


Would you stay on our lovers story?

by blxckstxr



Category: Dead Poets Society (1989)
Genre: After the play, Definetly not me projecting into Todd, First Kiss, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Neil Perry (Dead Poets Society) Lives, Sharing a Bed, Todd Anderson-centric, Todd Needs A Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-27
Updated: 2021-02-27
Packaged: 2021-03-18 13:27:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,375
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29734557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/blxckstxr/pseuds/blxckstxr
Summary: Todd wants to write for himself. He wants to write down his mind and thoughts.But he's not able to. That's were Neil Perry comes in.(I'm terrible at summaries)
Relationships: Todd Anderson/Neil Perry
Comments: 5
Kudos: 42





	Would you stay on our lovers story?

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for entering! Hope you enjoy this! 
> 
> Just saying that English is not my first language, and that kind of sucks, becuase I'm not able to fully express myself, but I hope I was able to transmit everything just fine.
> 
> Also, the title is from "Kooks", a David Bowie song. I don't really know why, I was listening to it while adding tags, and it seemed like a good title.
> 
> Enjoy!

Todd crossed out the last two verses he had wrote, and turning the page of his notebook. He stared at the blank sheet, and the blank sheet stared back at him, defying him.

He twisted the pen between his fingers, slightly biting his lips. He had all those feelings and ideas floating in his head, why couldn’t he wrote them down on the paper? This wasn’t an assignment for Mr Keating, where he just stared at an object until inspiration reached him. No, this time he wanted to write to put some order into his mind. He wanted to write because he wanted to express those feelings, to see them in a paper, to feel normal about them, to tell the world he was someone more than just the kid in class who had trouble speaking up. That he had his own problems, his own desires, that he thought and had an opinion about many things, and that he felt.

Oh, how deeply he felt.

He felt his eyes tearing up the more he thought about it. Everyone told him he had a gift with words, but he wasn’t able to write down the most important things. He could never always hide himself behind a pen, he would have to face the world, and it terrified him. Why couldn’t he write about that? Why couldn’t he yell that he thought that maybe that life wasn’t for people like him? Why couldn’t he express how trapped he felt, and that even though he escaped from one cage, he’ll find himself trapped in another bigger one?

He threw the notebook against the wall. It made a noise that perforated his brain. He rushed to grab it from the floor, and to return it to the desk. He cried at the thought of that. He wanted to yell, he wanted to scream, he wanted to make noise, but he couldn’t allow himself to do it. It was his instinct to do everything in his hand to be invisible, to be less of a bother for everyone in the world. Was he really that pathetic? Was he sure he had something to write down, if he seemed to not have lived? Salty rivers were running down his cheeks. He found himself trying to make as little sound as possible. For God’s sake! He was crying! Everyone did that, but he couldn’t even allow himself to disturb the others with his sadness. He wanted to cut all ropes with reality, with the environment, like when he was with Neil.

Oh, Neil…

He stumbled to his bed with foggy eyes, curling up in foetal position as a ball. Neil was the best and the most chaotic thing that had happened to him. He couldn’t help but sadly smile, remembering the bright face he had when he told him he got the part on the play. He remembered those nights in which neither of them could sleep, so he helped Neil memorise his lines. He remembered, how his hearts seemed to want to jump out of his body while seeing Neil perform, and how the day after it had pumped with fear, at hearing the news of Neil suicide attempt. He remembered the though days after that, fighting for Neil’s happiness, and for him to stay at Welton. It had been a hard path to travel, but now, Neil was happy, bright, and that was what mattered. He couldn’t talk to him about how he felt about himself (heck, he couldn’t even talk about it with himself), and he obviously couldn’t tell him how he felt about him.

And that destroyed him.

He heard the door opening, but he couldn’t care less. He wasn’t even conscious of if he had stop crying or not, but certainly his face felt wet. He had all those wild thoughts, now the next step was to stare at the wall, until his brain relaxed. Then, he would fall asleep, and when he woke up, he would continue living his ridiculous life.

— Todd?

He didn’t bother to answer. He knew who it was. A part of him wanted Neil to go away. The other wanted Neil to stay and hug him, not make him talk, just hug him and not let him get way too lost on his mind. When he sensed footsteps walking towards him, he knew that Neil had chosen the second option, and it warmed his hearts the same way that it broke it.

His eyes tried to focus the sigh of Neil kneeling in front of his bed, so they were face to face, but failed at it. He didn’t even notice how erratic his breath was, and how his whole body seemed to shiver and tremble.

Cautiously, Neil slowly raised a hand, and began stroking his hair, smoothly. Todd didn’t stop him, and Neil neither stopped. He had lost all remaining ability to track the pass of time, but the next thing he noticed was how Neil made himself a spot in the bed next to him, and cuddled him in his arms. He knew that if he had been in normal conditions right now, he would be freaking out, but instead, he felt the safest he had felt in his entire life.

— We’ll have to talk about this later, but meanwhile I hope this helps – that and a little kiss on his forehead were the only things Todd’s brain processed before sliding into sleep.

*** * ***

Todd woke up in the same position he felt asleep yesterday. Cuddled in Neil’s chest. Yesterday his roommate, Neil, the boy he loved had seen him in such a vulnerable and pathetic state. Neil was a kind soul, he felt special empathy for lost causes, like he was. All his actions last night didn’t hide any subtext, like a poem could hide, no, it was just Neil being Neil. All the shame he felt seemed to make his heartbeat grow faster, and the other boy noticed it too.

— Are you awake?

God, listening to Neil’s voice when he had just woke up seemed like a golden experience to him. His heart clenched at the thought of something he could not have.

— Yes – he managed to mutter, not moving an inch, afraid to break the spell they seemed to have created.

— You know – continued the other boy – when I was at my lowest, there was this person who sticked to my side through heaven and hell. God, how bad I treated him sometimes, when all he was doing was keeping me alive.

Todd flinched at the thought of the first days after the play, all that he had fought along Mr Keating for bringing Neil near them.

— At first I couldn’t stand the sight of anyone. The presence of someone else, sometimes even myself, made me feel uneasy, wanting to hide in my own body. But when I became better and healthier, I couldn’t help to stare at that boy. I knew him for quite a long time now, but he still was a mystery to me. I wanted to hear him talked for hours, so I could listen to him, amazed by the beauty of his soul.

Todd felt like floating. This couldn’t be happening to him.

— Recently, I’ve discovered that this boy has his own problems and demons. And it breaks my heart, because I wasn’t able to notice it.

After saying this, he disentangled Todd from his arms, and looked at him.

— Look Todd, I don’t know how to be the support you need, and as when we were in opposite situations, we don’t have much options to seek for help. But I’m here for everything you need.

He just noticed how Neil’s eyes were in tears too.

— I know understand how you must have felt, and I’m so sorry for putting that burden on you, but you were the best of friends. I want to be that person for you too.

— Can you kiss me? – were the only words that escaped Todd’s overflowed with emotions heart.

And Neil didn’t bother to answer, and just gave Todd a small and sweet peck on the lips.

— It’s Saturday, if they knock, I’ll tell them we’re both sick.

And with that, he went back to hugging Todd.


End file.
